One of the themes for this month’s newsletter is temper tantrums. In the past few months I have written several articles on this subject; and since one of our children recently had an experience with death, I feel moved in that direction...While it is nearly impossible to be completely prepared for death of any kind, there are a few concepts that you can introduce randomly. The ideal scenario is to begin to explore death in a non-emotional setting. Summer gardening is an excellent opportunity. Talk about dead flowers, fallen leaves and dead insects. Keep the explanation brief and simple. Have children pick or collect dead leaves, and casually mention that everything dies when it is the right time for it (them) to die. They die to make room for new leaves, flowers or other living things.

Should the tragic loss of a loved one become a reality, here are some thoughts to keep in mind. Studies show that children go through a series of stages in their understanding of death. Young children perceive death as temporary. While the finality of death is not fully understood, a child may realize that death means separation, and separation (especially from parents, with a loss of care) can be frightening. Preschool children usually see death as reversible, temporary and impersonal. Watching cartoon characters on television miraculously rise up whole again after having been crushed or blown apart tends to reinforce this notion. Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They see dead birds, insects and animals. They see death on television and in an infinite variety of computer games, etc. They hear about it in fairy tales and act it out in their play. Death is a part of life; and children, at some level, are aware of it. They don’t necessarily understand it, though. Encourage communication. Listen thoroughly. Be prepared to possibly have to repeat your explanation over and over. It is a very vague and elusive concept for a young child to grasp.

Explain the basic facts of death in brief and simple terms. When a person dies they no longer eat, sleep, talk, walk; they do not return and their body is buried. Depending on your beliefs, this would be an appropriate time to address the spirit or other religious beliefs in brief and simple terms.

The following are some ways to NOT explain death:

• Children may hear adults refer to putting the dog to sleep? As a result, children may become afraid to go to bed, afraid they won’t wake up, or that you won’t wake up.
• If we refer to death as went away, children may fear any separation from Mom or Dad, etc. Maybe they won’t come back. Grandma never came back after she went away?
• Telling children that sickness was the cause of death could be a problem too. Their minor ailments may begin to cause them unnecessary concern.
• And we can’t even say Grandma died because she was old. Parents are old to a child. A big brother may seem old. Does that mean they are subject to imminent death? Also, children eventually may learn of a young person who died. This could lead to confusion or distrust.
• Another confusing situation could be when we say Grandpa is happy now - and then we are grieving. Why the grieving if Grandpa is so happy? The truth is that it was time for Grandpa to die, and we are so sad because we miss him. We can keep the memories of Grandpa alive in our heart. That might help us not miss him so much. 

Children may express their feelings in many different ways. Studies have shown that when children experience the death of a close relative, they often feel guilty. Children have difficulty understanding cause-and-effect relationships. They may think that in some way they caused the death. Reassure that the child has always been, and always will be loved; and again Mommy died when it was time for Mommy to die. You had nothing to do with that. 

Children may express anger toward the dead person, especially if that person was a caregiver. Anger is part of grief. The child needs to be reassured that they will be cared for. Children also mourn. Mourning heals. Being open with our sorrow and fears shows children that it is all right to cry and to be sad. Children may show little immediate grief because they do not have the emotional maturity to work through a deeply felt loss. They may express their sadness off and on over a long period of time. Play (dolls puppets, games, etc.) is an excellent mechanism to help work out feelings. 

It is difficult for me to write on this subject, but my hope is that this information may afford you a small amount of comfort someday.

If, after reading this article, you are still left with specific question, you are welcome to e-mail me at [email protected]. 

I recently had occasion to question and research what is appropriate (or rather inappropriate) music for toddlers. I didn’t find the exact answer I was looking for, but I did find other fascinating information. Not much of the following is original information. Unfortunately I do not have a strong musical background. In our school we sing daily, play instruments and dance, and I play guitar a little. We do this because we enjoy music, and because I subscribe to the Mozart Effect. Studies suggest that developing a child’s musical ability may actually improve the ability to learn and be successful at other disciplines, such as language, math and science. I have CDs, of Mozart music with specific selections that are conducive to strengthening the mind, and others for improving creativity. My toddlers enjoy opera just as much as Old McDonald.

So beyond the fun, here is what is happening in the brain (adapted from an article by Jennifer Chin). Babies brains are constantly building themselves by forming new connections, or synapses, in response to the stimuli they receive. The higher the number of these different types of connections it forms, the better able the brain is to handle any new information it receives. In other words, every time a very young child experiences something new, a new pathway has been constructed that will be available the next time a similar stimulus arises. One could say that a young child's brain is organizing itself for a lifetime of learning.

In fact, a child's musical development seems to be very similar to language development. It follows a predictable sequence and includes things like learning to sing in tune and marching to a particular beat. One of the earliest and most critical stages of this development is the "music babble" stage that occurs during the first six years. Similar to "language babble" this is the time when the brain is learning to make sense of and order the sounds of music. In other words, the child is learning to make a mental picture of the music she hears in her mind. That representation is called “audiation”. Just as the ability to have a visual image of letters and words in her mind is essential to a child's language development, audiation is critical to musical growth.

Also important to musical growth is the ability to participate in music through singing and movement. It has been discovered that in order to develop skill in singing, one must develop the singing voice in early childhood. If not, the voice will not coincide with the person's ability to think tonally. In other words, a person may be able to hear the finer points of a tune, but not be able to sing it on her own. Unfortunately, studies show a steady decrease in the ability to sing in kindergartners over the last 20 years, perhaps due to lack of encouragement during those earlier years.

In order to audiate rhythm in their minds, children must experience it in their bodies. If they don't learn to do this at an early age, it is much harder as they get older. Most basic motor patterns develop before age 5 and are merely strengthened after this age.

The most recent and highly publicized study on music and children is the one done in 1997 by psychologist Frances Rauscher. She compared the spatial and temporal reasoning ability (skills needed to be successful with science and math) of three- and four-year-olds who had studied piano, with those who had spent the same amount of time learning to use computers. At the end of the study the piano students performed 34% better on spatial and temporal ability tests than the computer students. According to Rauscher, this is because music is a spatial task. It is one of the few art forms where the components are arranged in space over time, requiring mental imagery and the ability to reason in sequence. In addition, while you are engaging in music you are feeling, seeing, and hearing it all at once. Rauscher's results suggest that by influencing the brain's development with this type of training while children's brains are still malleable, those children appear to be better equipped for other spatial and temporal tasks later on.

According to Ken Guilmartin, founder of the Music Together program, "...although children acquire information and learn skills from many sources, they develop the essential disposition to learn only from the model of their primary caregivers." Your child's genes may determine whether she is capable of winning the Nobel peace prize, but your involvement in her musical development in the early childhood years can help set her up for a lifetime of successes.

If, after reading this article, you are still left with specific question, you are welcome to e-mail me at [email protected]. 

During our last Parent’s Discussion Group Meeting, one of the parents brought up the topic of monsters at bedtime. I was surprised to learn how many of our children (toddlers) are having the same experience. Some experts say that nightmares are a reflection of guilt caused by bad behavior during the day. I believe that nightmares and monsters are a reflection of uncertainties. Toddlers are all about uncertainties. They are just stepping out on their own, trying out new feelings, learning new skills, going to new places and having to conform to societal rules. It’s rough! It would require an unimaginable amount of self-esteem to not be uncertain. Right after showering your child with love, building self-esteem is the next essential ingredient in raising a healthy and happy child. So, assuming that ample work has been done on the self-esteem issue, let’s deal with the monsters.

The next day, at circle time, I pulled out Busy Nights by Gail Chislett. The children were completely enchanted. I could see from the look in their faces that I had struck an important chord. I have been told that this book is out of print, so I will relay the bare essential of the story. It is bedtime (you can talk about your own bedtime routine); the child imagines a variety of visitors (some friendly, some not so friendly) - and then - the monster!!! The child calls for Mom; Mom comforts the child.

Do you want me to get rid of the monster? No, It’s too big.
Do you want Daddy to get rid of the monster? No, it’s too big.
Do you think you can get rid of the monster? Sure, I can do it.

The child walks right up to the monster, points a finger in it’s face and says: Get out of my room, monster. You go away. And don’t come back. The monster says OK. This is the part where the child is completely empowered. It’s great. After that I act out the same scene with dolls, and ask each child what the doll should say to the monster. They show no mercy to the monster. If I were the monster I would leave, for sure. I think it is good for the children to practice being assertive to the monster in a playful atmosphere. Then, hopefully, they can pull it off when it really counts - when they are distressed, and when you are trying to get a good night’s sleep. 

If, after reading this article, you are still left with specific question, you are welcome to e-mail me at [email protected]. 

A parent of one of our toddlers asked me what I thought about pull-ups. I had to honestly say not much. To the child they feel exactly like a diaper; to me they feel like more work; to you they may feel like more money! When the child or I have to change a pull-up, the shoes and pants have to come off and go on again. But the former reason is the important one. 

There are many ways to teach a child to use the potty. I will tell you what I have found to be generally helpful for most children. After a child shows an interest in using the potty; tells you before or even after the fact that he/she needs to use the potty; and/or can accurately report on poop or pee (I keep the terms simple), then it is time to start using the potty. I suggest wearing diapers during the first week of using the potty. Be sure to have an ample supply of loose pants with elastic waist bands and shoes with velcro tabs. After you have taught your child how to (basically) dress him or herself, loose the diapers during the day. The child gets a really clear message to pay more attention when the pants are wet or soiled. Yes, it is messy, but it is also very effective. I would rather clean up the mess and just get on with the training. Of course the child has to change the clothing. I help if I see an earnest effort.

Needless to say (can you tell I am about to say it anyway?), there should never be any blame or shame when the child has an accident. You could say: “Oh, I see you had an accident. I think next time you will go to the potty when you feel the pee or poop getting ready to come”. Try to think of some way to encourage (not praise). Encouragement notices some part of the child’s effort -whether or not that effort has been successful. Encouragement is a means to stimulate desired behavior. Praise is a reward we dole out for a perfect performance. Praise and encouragement both have their proper time and place (it is actually a whole other topic). It will take some thought and attention on our part, but remember that encouragement is much more important for the sake of your child’s self esteem. One other point - it is common for the child to loose interest after a few weeks. Be prepared to just start over when the interest returns. DO NOT RUSH!

Lately I have been hearing many parents talking about giving rewards and punishments to their toddlers. While this method is not recommended for any age group, it is particularly ineffective for toddlers. It can start out innocently, but escalate to horrendous (and expensive!) proportions. The feature article in Newsweek, September 13, 2004 issue exemplifies, what I believe, are the long-term results of this method. With the assistance (?) of media (another topic entirely), parents have statistically created an imbalance between materialism and values. I strongly recommend that you read this article. I understand that when parents are at a loss to elicit the behavior they desire, or when they just want a quick fix, rewards is the answer. But, consider the long-term effects.

First, let’s clear up one big point, and call a spade a spade. A reward, as commonly referred to, is actually a bribe. In the adult world, this is criminal behavior. Do I have your attention? Is this really what we want to teach our children? I can support an occasional reward, for after-the-fact exemplary behavior, but not for a routine parenting technique. We shouldn’t have to buy good behavior. It may sound idealistic, but I want children to act good because it feels good, and because they know it is the right thing to do. I don’t think this is asking too much. Don’t we feel good when we are kind and generous? We take away from children, that internal pleasure, when we train them to expect external rewards. 

So, how do we do this? The obvious answer is modeling kind and moral behavior, perhaps commenting on how good it feels to be helpful. You can look for the smallest signs of kind or helpful behavior and congratulate your child, without calling attention to negative behavior. Trust me, it is better to ignore unless someone is being hurt. Basically, anything you can do to help your child feel that he/she is contributing to the family or community will lead to increased self- esteem. That self -esteem should be the reward in and of itself. I know I just made that sound unbelievably simple; and it’s not really that simple. But there is only so much I can say in this one small column. I whole-heartedly believe that the method of positive discipline that Jane Nelson professes is necessary to help us guide our children to be socially and emotionally healthy (without using rewards and punishments).

In the short space left, I will briefly touch on the problem with punishment. Most notably, it creates anger, fear and resentment in children. It does nothing to help the child want to do or act better. It may help parents feel that they are in control (which actually only lasts for as long as the punishment is in effect), but there are many other tools that can and should be used. Natural and logical consequences is one of these tools (also another topic entirely). Again, I will defer to the wisdom of Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline Method. I use her techniques in my school so I know how effective they are. (I also teach this method to our parents.)